new york

Visited New York with my boyfriend this weekend.... the city that will always, for me, be one of opposing forces… the happiness of making new memories with my current
boyfriend – walking across the Williamsburg bridge at 1 am, finding bliss in
the spectacular cityscape in Dumbo, getting lost in the miles and
miles of books at the Strand... And then, butting in, on occasion, when I step
back, in the bathroom, during the pause, the awareness that comes from sharing with him
the old memories, ones that I carved with the other boy, the one I followed here as a bright-eyed college grad almost five years ago – the cheeseburger and the creme
brulee French toast at our favorite cafe,
the weekend farmers’ market at Union Square, the hum of the young energy of Second Avenue,
the eclectic buzz of the Lower East Side (where he lives now) – and the slight
worry that maybe, maybe, he’ll turn up where we are, an intruder on our fresh
memories, or my old memories reborn.

The girl I was, who worked at 46th between 11th and 12th, all the way on the water, who trained, bussed and walked to work and ate $7 lunch specials and was too hard on herself,
the girl I am, whose scenery is very different, who with the slowness and green and air can feel her soul opening up
to being more forgiving.

The love of the bustle and opportunity and people and plenty, the
fascination at the color and convenience,
and then
The yearning for the sacredness of the pause, the inner reflection. How can you
value something if you never want for anything? New York, the Google of
cities,
everything tangible is at your fingertips, everything
spiritual?
Always a distraction ready
for when you don’t want to look inside.